"Put down that wrench!"

So, here we are again! We've got the folk dancing and traditional music out of the way, and we're now getting a recap of last year's winning song.

And here we go...

UK: The #hump has already wound me with his pronunciation of 'love' as 'lurve'. Also, dull song. That's the anticipation of disappointment over and done with.

Hungary: I can find very little to say about this song, positive or negative. Complete non-entity of a song (albeit less so than the Hump).

Albania: And the first non-English language song (hurrah!) "I land my airplane of the lightless runway of your soul". Classic. Also, heroic quantities of toupee tape must have been used to stick her ponytail to her cleavage.

Lithuania: And another dullish ballad. How can I have run out of incisive critical comments this early?

Bosnia & Herzegovina: Ballad! I am already unable to distinguish it from the previous ballads!

Russia: Here are the grannies. This is exactly what I'd expect if you grabbed six random OAPs from a bus stop and told them to sing. Isobel suspects that vodka may have played its part. Still, the 5mo seems to be enjoying it more than the ballads (and the accompaniment is good).

Iceland: Ballad duet, but at least it's a power ballad. Also, fiddle solos are always welcome. Best so far.

Cyprus: This is more like it! Fun, disposable Euro-pop. Shame she's singing slightly offkey.

France: Gallic synthpop. Jaunty and fun, and she's got a good voice. Good floorshow from the gymnasts.

Italy: "An Italian Amy Winehouse", according to Norton - and he's not wrong. Arresting op art background. The words don't make a great deal of sense (which is neither good nor bad, in the great Eurovision accounting). I liked this.

Norway: Good choreography. I like the accompaniment, but the song itself isn't doing much for me. Slightly offkey in a couple of places. Isobel quite likes it, but I'm less impressed in balance.

Estonia: Serious ballad is serious. See, I make it serious with my eyebrows.

Azerbaijan: Looks a bit like a young Barbara Streisand. Not bad, but I don't think that I'd give it my vote.

Romania: The instrumental is rather fun. Also, accompaniment from bagpipes *and* an accordion. I quite liked this.

Denmark: Superfluous epaulettes! Glockenspiel solo! All good, as far as I'm concerned. Norton nails it with "a bit Alanis Morrisette-ey".

Greece: Rhyming "maniac" and "aphrodisiac". Upbeat europop. Competent, but doesn't have the necessary madness to make a true Eurovision classic.

Sweden: Dance-y europop. Well-managed tempo changes. Shame that she's channelling Kate Bush. Quite liking it.

Turkey: Good intro. Camper than a fleet of VW vans *and* a jamboree combined. It's stretching it to call this some of the lyrics double entendres. Fun choreography with the cloaks. I rather like this.

Spain: Oh no, it's another heartfelt ballad with SERIOUS FACE. Good voice, but I don't see the Spanish broadcaster going bankrupt next year.

Germany: Competent, inoffensive ballad. Not quite my glass of absinthe, but I quite enjoyed this and could see it winning.

Malta: Fun europop. Perfectly respectable entry from a country with a population only barely larger than that of Southampton and Portsmouth combined. I liked that.

FYROM: Soft rock ballad. Excellent voice.

Ireland: This is traditionally the point where I leave the room to avoid the BEAST WITH TWO HEADS. This year, I'm going to stick it out and see what this Jedward business is all about. So, blond Gary Glitter clones. *How* much lucozade did they feed these lads before they sent them on stage? They're twitching all over the place! Worst. High-five. Ever. God help me. I can believe that these lads are the most irritating thing since horsehair underwear, but I quite liked the song. And you can't deny their enthusiam.

And now I've lost track of where we are. Such is the power of JEDWARD.

Serbia: Lost the plot. Found the plot. There have been a lot of waterlines and ships in this contest, no? Another earnest ballad.

Ukraine: I've only just realised that she's singing in English. The 5mo is grinning, though that might just be wind. Not overly impressed.

Moldova: Good intro. Fun costumes. "You haven't seen before how looks the trumpet" - classic, and that's an English lyric, not a translation. Hammered dulcimer solo (I think) in the middle eight. I could almost vote for this.

Lummee. I'm stumped - for the first time ever, there's nothing that stands out to me as a must-vote-for. France got our vote in the end.

I did it once, I'll do it again (but this time as a single re-edited post).

I get the feeling I'm going to miss Wogan. In an ideal world, he'd be Twittering his commentary.

1. Lithuania: Quiet start - competent but rather bland ballad
2. Israel: Verse lyrics in Hebrew. Singing flat, alas. Bit too heartfelt - there must be another way. Where's the cheesy pop? Also, those look like olive oil tins rather than biscuit tins being used for percussion.
3. France: "paint-by-numbers chanson", says young Master Norton, and he's not wrong. If I had to, I'd choose something else. ias says she likes it.
4. Sweden: French title ("La Voix"), plus EUR37k dress. Mmm. Opera-y intro. Shame she's singing off-key. This made it through the qualifying heats? Obligatory coloratura plus sparkly masks. I shan't be buying this.
5. Croatia: Another ballad. Almost tempted to admit to liking this, but I'm not sure that I'd be able to hum the melody in an hour's time.
6. Portugal: Alison Moyet look-a-like. I like what I've heard so far - I'd buy this. Folk-pop with accordion/flute/guitar/ukulele/bongo accompaniment.
7. Iceland: Backing cello and good voice. Pleasant enough ballad, if not entirely inspiring. ias says "boring".
8. Greece: Dance-y intro. Shame he couldn't afford a slightly longer t-shirt. He appears to be standing on a conveyor belt. Cuddly toy, microwave oven, etc. Jesus. Now it's turning into a Greek flag-accented Big Black Monolith. Distracted from the song, though.
9. Armenia: "Traditional costumes, but only if you live in a village where Liberace is the mayor". Priceless. Is that a shawm I hear? The Euro-cheese motherlode surely lies this way? Quite jolly, though I'd have to listen to it late at night when everyone else was asleep. Defies categorisation: ethno-hip-hop-pop?
10. Russia: Hmmm. Daddy is a billionaire. Dull ballad. Time to change the young lad's nappy and put him to bed, I think. (she's also singing slightly flat)
11. Azerbaijan: Ethno-Euro-cheese-tastic. I could dance (badly) to this, but there's no melody worth the mention. Mmmm. Miming with a lute-like instrument.
12. Bosnia and Herzegovina: Seems to be a theme of quasi-military uniforms this year (Azerbaijan had them too). Now they're re-enacting a scene from Les Mis (ias would like to point out that she drew this parallel before I did - but I still thought of it myself). Good stage presence, but the song's forgettable.
13. Moldova: This I like. Ethnic dress, catchy melody in intro, syncopation in the rhythm section. She's a Moldovan Toni Basil! (in the middle eight). I like the backing dancers too. I'd buy this one.
14. Malta: They appear to be trying to appeal to the UK vote - they've picked exactly the sort of crap that we choose and lose with. I predict that this will be near the bottom on the right hand side of the leaderboard.
15. Estonia: Female ballad. Can't seem to make myself care too much about this one way or the other. ias says Shakespeare's Sister-lite
16. Denmark: Sounds like Boyzone, says ias. My gaydar is pinging. Bit of a flat delivery, rather by-the-numbers - I don't get any real emotion from this. Mind you, he appears to wearing a cravat, so he can't be all bad. An attempt to win the Croat vote, perhaps?
17. Germany: It's a German John Barrowman! Silver lame trousers are no-one's friend. Song is fun, though - swing-accented cheesy pop. ZOMGCORSET!!!
18. Turkey: Either a mic failure for the backing singers in the opening, or poor mixing. Catchy tune, but doesn't really stand out. I have a slight suspicion that she's not quite on-key.
19. Albania: Mmmm. Spangly Blue Man-a-like plus Joker/Phantom hybrids as dancers. Song is forgettable, and the dancers are just distracting. Mmm - bust a move!
20. Norway: Folky intro. There's a very weird (and completely unexpected) Puppet-on-a-String vibe that I'm getting from this. I quite like this.
21. Ukraine: Isn't this a Cheeky Girls song? The pole dancer/go-go dancer/gladiator aesthetic is mystifying. Not so sexy BOM.
22. Romania: Pan's People are alive and well and living in Romania. Dull pop ballad.
23. United Kingdom: Have I mentioned that I think we're doomed? I don't like this song. Still, she's in tune. Spoke too soon - she's slipping. (and I'm with ias on the warbling)
24. Finland: "welcome back to the 1980s" quoth the Norton. Quite jolly. Rap interlude. Bonnie Tyler vibe to the female vocals (had to ask ias for that one - couldn't remember her name).
25. Spain: Why is Spain channelling Turkey? Generic Eastern Med rhythm. Lead singer disappears. SHE'S IN A SPACE INSIDE THE STEPS!!! Really, even David Copperfield does a better job.

Jesus wept. They've got the ISS to open the voting. Tsiolkovsky and Korolev must be spinning in their graves. *And* they invoked Gagarin. That was worth spending $100 billion, surely.

Right, I've cast my vote for Portugal. My top five were (in order):

• Portugal (finished 15th)
• Moldova (finished 14th)
• Armenia (finished 10th)
• Norway (finished 1st)
• Bosnia and Herzegovina (finished 9th)

At the interval now. Well, this is certainly no Riverdance. Granted, that may be a good thing.

It's at times like this that I like to remind myself that Eurovision are also responsible for broadcasting the New Year's Day concert from the Musikverein Concert Hall in Vienna. It's not all low culture.

And now to the voting.

So, a Norway win. It's a good song, and I'm pleased that it made my top five.

There's no Malta in the final! Or Ireland! We're doomed...

Edited to add: no, there are 43 countries voting - we might yet avoid nul points.

In fact, San Marino (population 30,000) have just given us six points.

*Why* are San Marino voting - they've got the population of two Aberystwyths!

We've narrowed it down to Bosnia-Herzegovina, Croatia, Turkey and Denmark...

Another good start. I think that the Euro-power ballads are starting to blur into one strangely-accented song about how love is all we need, and we can all do better if we give peace a chance (etc). I wouldn't vote for it.

Any song with "chicki chiki" in the title has to be a winner. Or dire.

Intro on a cheap children's toy guitar - sounds a bit 24.99 from Argos.

I think that they're trying to recreate the Macarena. Give it up, guys. And lose the wigs. srsly.

And they've name-checked Robocop. Words are insufficient to express just how awful this is.

Enough of the shrieking already, please. Also, why does the singer-dressed-as-the-devil seem to be gargling instead of singing?

I don't see much chance of the Azerbaijani national broadcaster being bankrupted next year.

Will probably do well in the gay nightclub scene. Otherwise forgettable.

Starting to think that Croatia wasn't as bad as all that, even if the lyrics didn't survive translation.

Denmark does Dexy's Midnight Runners. Actually not too bad at all. Cheery feel-good song with a catchy riff and chorus. I could see the doorman whistling this one.

Portugal: dreary. It's a good ballad, but I don't think that it's got enough energy to do well.

Latvia: Unlike this - Hi-NRG camp pirates. Eurovision at its best, surely. Bosnia still has my vote though, followed by Turkey.