"Put down that wrench!"

Dear Undergraduates,

It has come to my attention that many of you have chosen to celebrate the coming of autumn by donning unattractively formless sheepskin boots of the Ugg variety and shuffling around campus like a horde of denim-clad zombies. Perhaps you failed to read my previous missive on this subject?

While I understand the need to keep one's feet warm, might I suggest that your precious Uggs would last longer if a) you lifted your feet clear of the ground when moving your legs forward and b) you left the boots at home and wore some more sensible (and less ugly) footwear instead. You'll also be doing yourself a favour; your feet are visibly pronate, and there's a world of pain awaiting you if you don't fix that. Did your mothers never tell you about the importance of good footwear?

Also, be aware that I am considering fitting spinning blades onto the wheels of the garklet's pushchair, with twin aims in mind. First, you'll learn to make way for the pushchair on the bus, and secondly, it'll damage your precious Uggs and force you to wear something less ugly. It'll also give the garklet a bit of a laugh, so I'm sure you'll appreciate his exclamations of 'uh oh' as you collapse to the ground in agony.

No love,

Me

Dear undergraduates on the U1A bus to Wessex Lane,

I couldn't help but overhear your braying conversation at the bus stop and on the bus. Thank you for subjecting me to it. Lest you continue to behave like over-privileged, slack-witted Sloanes, may I offer the following observations:

1. I'm glad that you found common ground in the fact that you both live in London near Victoria Line stations. It's such a coincidence that one of you lives near Highbury and Islington, and the other lives near Walthamstow - there can be only 400,000 other people that could say the same.
2. Alfred Hitchcock was born and raised in Leytonstone, not in Walthamstow. Cretin.
3. What an amazing coincidence! Your parents come from Sicily, and your parents have a second house in Perugia!
4. Please be aware that "starting a theatre company", "starting a record label" and "becoming a writer, y'know" are stereotypical careers for upper-middle class children with wealthy parents to support them.
5. Wow! You're going on holiday to the Amazon this summer! How cool is that? Eco-tourism is such a good way to show your love for the planet, especially when you have to travel halfway round the world to do so.
6. Yes, your personal tutor probably is quite sick of you if you've been to see them three times this year to change course, expressing a preference for a different course each time. They will probably be quite happy to see you go, just as soon as you make up your mind which course you want to study.
7. Please be aware that both Music and Film are stereotypical degree courses for upper-middle class children with wealthy parents to support them[2]. Have you considered History of Art? I understand that the male-female ratio would be more in your favour there.

No love,

Me

[1] Except for the ones on my friends list, who are all lovely people.

[2] I'm not saying that everyone that studies Film, Music or History of Art is a UMCCWWPTST, just that they're rather over-represented on those courses.

(it's at times like this that a) I'm glad that I didn't do my undergrad degree at Southampton and b) I remember why I hated the Wessex Lane halls)